I never asked my parents for a brother or a sister. I was happy to be their only child. Even though I wasn’t pretty, nor smart, neither did I have any particular talent, I could still feel loved every day. And especially I loved those moments, when my mom would take me on her lap and dive into her memories. “When you were born, - She would recall, - I saw a big rainbow above your head and heard the voice saying: “I have set apart this child for Myself and I’m jealous for My purpose in His life”.
On my fourth birthday, she made me sit on her lap again and I expected her to share something so pleasant… but instead she announced:” Sweet heart, you going to have a little brother soon”.
In the beginning everything was ok, except for one thing. My little brother had beautiful thick curls and was constantly receiving complements. With a few thin hairs on my head, I was surely looking so ugly next to him! Who would not compare? Our difference was so obvious!
And as we grew, that difference between us also grew. We were living on two opposite poles. I was struggling with every school assignment and my brother managed everything with such an ease! We would go together to a shooting range and he would hit the target every single time! Not me though… He was accepted in every group and often praised by others. He had a reputation of a prankster, but combined with his remarkable communication skills, was loved by everyone. Standing with a straight posture, he always got people’s attention and everyone loved to listen to him. I was so small and insignificant on his background that no-one even cared to notice me. And when someone would finally talk to me, I had such a hard time to put words together… It was impossible not to notice all those details! In my own eyes I was a petty pedant, working overtime trying to solve this huge difficult question called life.
On top of all that, my brother was cool and not even bothered by conflicts, while I could be inflamed so easily. One particular day I came to the kitchen: My brother was telling jokes to mom and dad. Laughing so hard, they didn’t notice when I came in. In desperation I exclaimed: “What is wrong here? Why my brother got all the blessings and I got none?!!! I grabbed a ball from the kitchen table, turned it upside down and lifted in the air. Why can’t I contain the blessings? Everything falls away from me! What am I? Curved the wrong way??” My parents looked helpless. They already knew that no words of comfort would make a difference and simply waited in silence.
I couldn’t understand why a person like my brother had to invade my world and to destroy the perfect happy life I lived the first four years of my life... Growing within same family made our lives so interwoven in each other. That’s why I couldn’t just walk away from that torture, I had to play my role of the unfortunate brother. My whole energy was spent in a war for survival.
In situations like that my mom was usually the first one to speak up. Plus, that night was her special night. “I’m so glad you ‘re going to my concert! - and those words moved all of us into the next frame of the movie, - We all need to hurry up though, I have to be there early.” In a second, she put her commander suit and ordered me: “Go quickly take a shower and put a different shirt, this one is so wrinkled!”
That evening was so delightful to me. To hear my mom play was a highlight of my life. Music was so southing and comforting for my wounded soul. The big reception followed the concert and of course, they made me sit next to my brother. I looked around and saw many familiar faces. At that moment, my brother leaned towards me and said: “Curved the wrong way - that’s exactly who you are.”
I froze on the spot and couldn’t utter a word. He annoyed me before, but this seemed to be the last drop. Looking lifeless from the outside, I had a lot of action taking place on the inside. it was a serious intense battle, my whole being was in flames. it was more than anger, I felt revolt rising on the inside of me against all that injustice. My thoughts bombarded me like missiles: “What brought this evil upon me? Who would alleviate this heavy burden I carry? Why would God curse me by making me like this???” I have to do something to offset the accounts! I shall kill him one day!”
This last statement in my mind put an end to my revolt, my fever cooled down and a new order was established. Like a new emperor would make his entrance into the conquered city, riding on a horse, and all the inhabitants would bow down to him in fear, I felt my whole being capitulating before an unmerciful tormenting force called envy. That powerful ruler risen to the throne of my life.
I got up from the table and started to walk away, my fists clenched in my pockets. But my legs became so heavy, I could barely move them. No-one noticed me leaving, but now I didn’t care. I went on familiar streets towards the cinema and saw a big crowd of people before the entrance. “I’m going to have a celebration of my own”- I suddenly decided and turned in to join them. I emptied my pockets and realized that all I have would be just enough for a ticket. “Just one please, - I said, finally reaching the cashier. I pulled out my weekly allowance from the pockets and wondered out loud - You never had such a crowd here before, what is so special?”
“You are lucky to come, - she answered, winking at me, - we have a very special presentation tonight: A Magician with his monkey assistant.”
“Why would that be special? I’ve seen magicians many times, they usually do their show in circus.”
“But this magician projects thoughts of people in the audience on a big screen! You’ll enjoy that... next in line!” And I was carried into the entrance by the impatient crowd.
Inside the auditorium the air was charged with expectations. Suddenly everything darkened and in the bright beam of light, you could see the magician with his monkey. A big ovation followed their appearance. Pointing at the big screen behind him, he declared: “Tonight this will be a magic screen. It will show the deep secret thoughts of people in this audience. They will be projected directly from your mind into it. You will surely be able to recognize your own thoughts. And here comes the best part: After every segment my assistant will find a person, whose thoughts were played on the screen.” His introduction created an absolute silence in the audience, but before anyone was able to ask anything, the screen already lighten up and the movie began to play.
A young man stood in the middle of a forest; he was looking away and you couldn’t see his face. He was staring at a big axe, laying on the chunk of a tree, probably left by a woodcutter... In the next frame same man was standing in a butcher’s shop, looking at knives. They were all different shapes and he held each of them in his hand. Then the light slowly faded and I saw this fellow in a dark gloomy environment, approaching a slightly lit desk. With a fast move, he grabbed the gun, laying on top of it and put it in his pocket. Then he slowly opened the draw and looked at the bullets... You could sense the struggle in his mind. Then one quick shot put an end to the struggle. In the next frame that young man was standing next to the grave at the funeral, looking away again... Then suddenly I saw a very bright light coming straight into my face from the screen and heard the voice as a voice of a prosecutor in Court, saying: “It’s him!” And the segment was over.
“What a nightmare, - I thought, and immediately noticed the magician’s monkey-assistant walking directly towards me! I knew - now I got the attention of everyone in the whole auditorium. My external shell was suddenly peeled off of me. it was terrifying! I was so terribly exposed! Such a shame! My face all shriveled in ugly grimace. “They were my thoughts!! How could they know? Why am I presented as a murderer? Me?? The magician should have mixed the cards! I must get out of this vicious circle!”
I had to hide from that shame! The next moment I was already on the run.
As soon as I noticed a little black hole in front of me, I dived into it, without a second thought. It was a weird place, from where I stood, a flow was spewing forth its disgusting stinky waters down the stairs. Was it a sewage? I tried not to think about it. To my surprise I saw that monkey right behind me: “It followed me till here! I had to continue moving!” - I decided, and run down the stairs... But he moment my feet reached the bottom, everything suddenly faded, - like in the movie. The monkey, the magician, the crowd of people and the terrifying fear of exposure, the voice of the prosecutor... all of it was already behind me. I didn’t need to move anywhere; I was carried by another force.
I found myself sitting on the coach of a fast-moving train, having no idea where it’s headed. Outside was getting dark so quickly, it even felt like the train was moving into the thicker darkness… “I guess now I can finally get some rest, - I thought and tried to sit back and just to “enjoy the ride”, but couldn’t relax. How strange… Am I in a dream? To find an answer, I got up to explore the train. All wagons looked the same: dark, gloomy, walls covered with web. At first, I couldn’t see the people… Where are they? Am I the only passenger here? - I wondered and heard a dull voice behind me: Ah! Another victim! I looked at the direction of the voice and realized what happened: It took a while for my eyes to adjust to this dark environment… and then I saw them, the people - next to the walls, everywhere…behind the web. They looked like shadows, with no sign of life on their faces. I slowly looked around: At the corner stood a table with a few empty pots and a kettle. “I guess the party is over”, - I concluded and at that moment noticed another fellow, sleeping on the floor in his vomit. I felt sick to my stomach and decided to go quickly back to my place… But even the idea of having something of my own in this filthy place was disgusting. “I don’t belong here!” - I kept saying to myself, until I got back to my wagon and sat on my coach. “It’s a conspiracy!” - terrified, I closed my eyes not to see the end of it… and fell asleep.
The next scene I saw was a clean looking gentleman standing next to me. He was wearing a beautiful velvety jacket.
“Did I wake you up?” - He started a conversation. I wanted to know if I’m still in a dream and pinched myself.
“It’s real, - the stranger answered my thoughts and introduced himself - I’m a train attendant. Do you need help with anything?”
“Well… Yea!!! - I woke up at once - I need answers to so many questions!” “Ok, sure, - He slowly took off his magnificent jacket, hanged it on the hook and sat down on the coach in front of me, ready to listen. With his simple shirt, he didn’t look like a stranger anymore.
I started shooting my questions at him: “Can you explain to me what’s going on? This place is disgusting…Why am I here? Who are those people I saw? What is this train all about? Where its engine located?” - I made a quick stop to check if he was overwhelmed, like me, but saw a calm expression on his face. He was listening attentively.
“I see you’ve got many more questions, young man. And yes, I do have an answer to all of them, but only if you are willing to listen.” - was his response. I agreed, feeling accepted just the way I am.
He, on the contrary, started slowly: “This train is as real as your physical life. You just happen to discover it, because you went to the level below the surface of things. You are here because this is the reality you created for yourself in your mind. The thoughts, nesting within you, will always manifest - one way or the other. You’ve asked about the engine… It’s located within the heart of every passenger…like you”
“Me?!? I don’t belong here! I didn’t do anything wrong! - I protested, - I just happened to be a victim of some really bad set of circumstances.”
“No, - He responded firmly, - no-one here is a victim of circumstances. This train runs on human jealousy and every passenger bought into its deceptive reality at some point.”
I remembered buying the ticket to the magician’s show, but interrupted the flow of my own thoughts: “No, it can’t be that! Someone else is shuffling the cards over here… I was right, it’s a conspiracy.” I closed up in my conclusions and looked away, but the train attendant continued: “Let me show you the itinerary… hold on a minute…” He reached to His jacket, hanging on the wall, took out the old map and opened it on the table in front of me. I couldn’t understand the writings, to me they looked like some secret codes. He glanced at me, checking if I was ready for the explanation, then placed his finger at the corner of the map and started:
It begins right here, - at the point of Crushed Expectations, then passes through its suburbs: Little Quarrel, Annoying, Damaged Relationships… until it arrives the town of Abuse. There, what looked before as an insignificant scribbling, is typed now as an official document. It is a statement called “Deprivation of Rights”. After that it passes through the shaky area of Confusion, where the temperature changes at the speed of light: one minute - it’s a frozen state, it gets so cold that the blood congeals and the next minute it’s wrath and fervor. It lasts for some time until it passes over the Hill of Revolt; right on top there is a village called the Offset. The train stops there for a short time, so that everyone who wants to have a discussion with an accountant, may do so. Shortly after that, every passenger needs to show his ticket, cause the train enters the Domain of Envy. The very first town in that domain is a place now called “A Red Line”, but its original name was:” Hardened Heart”. From that point the tracks continue straight downhill, with just a few small villages on the way: Tedious Living, Gloominess, Accusations, some other… not mush is happening. The passengers are getting used to the sound, smell and the whole atmosphere of the train. In fact, they absorb its reality to the degree, where it becomes impossible to separate themselves from it; it becomes a part of who they are. For this reason, they feel bound by those ties, when in reality it’s only the web… It continues like this for quite a while, until it reaches a Tunnel of Extremism, which is drilled through very hard rocks by a company called “Fanatic Zeal.” And on the other side of that tunnel… - He looked at me again and I couldn’t understand why did he stopped at this point. “Tell me! What’s on the other side? I have to know! - I demanded impatiently. Looking straight into my eyes, he answered: “This train is headed into the City of Cain”.
I couldn’t decide what to answer, my mind became a battlefield. On one hand, he cannot speak for every passenger… everyone has a different life story. But on the other hand, I couldn’t deny the reflections of this map in my own life.
“Who is this Cain?” - I finally inquired, trying to appear indifferent. “As a passenger, you need to know this, - he agreed and folded his map, - the story goes back to the ancient times. Cain had a younger brother by the name Abel. They grew up in the same family, but were very different from each other. Abel kept flocks and Cain worked the soil. One day both brothers brought an offering unto the Lord. Abel sacrificed the firstborn of his flock and Cain picked up some fruits from his field. The incense was still burning on the alter, as Cain noticed that the Lord looked with favor on Abel’s offering, but not on his. This provoked him to envy, which he was ashamed to show. But the Lord looks upon the heart and knows exactly what’s going on. He reached out to Cain, asking: “Why are you angry? Why is your countenance sad and downcast?” Of course, He knew, but He was ready to help Cain to recognize and avoid the approaching danger, before it would be too late. God told Cain everything he needed to know in order to make the right choice, but instead he chose to jump into the train of jealousy, which carried him all the way into murder.”
“Murder?!? - I exclaimed, - How is that connected?”
“One flows directly into the other, - he continued with the patience of a teacher, - The flames of human jealousy demand a sacrifice to be made. Cain hoped that getting rid of his brother would compensate for his own hurt, but the result was polar different from that. Cain got cut off from the land of the living by a curse and lived with the mark of disgrace for the rest of his life.”
“But the human race made some progress since the ancient times, - I suggested.
“The opposite happened, - he responded, - Human progress brought it to the extreme. These days fanatics are everywhere. - and added most seriously - This same story plays out in every generation. You see, jealousy is destructive and fatal. No human sacrifice can quench its flames. You can’t freeze it, can’t vault it, can’t undermine it from its place, you cannot impose a penalty on it; once allowed to take over, it literally runs your entire life. It sets the rhythm and everything else has to adjust to it. Everything inside you have to give in to its cruel rule. Jealousy becomes the only thing that matters, your major drive, your only reality. Running wild, it’s eager to cut off everything that stands on its way. What you saw here to this point is only the top of the iceberg. It’s going to get much worse.”
“It sounds scary… But you, you’re not a part of all this? Are you?”
He paused with an answer. Then again, looking directly into my eyes, answered: “I couldn’t leave you alone. I came here for you”.
His words filled my heart with hope: “Then I want to get out of here! There should be a way out, “- and I looked out the window, but couldn’t see anything, except thorns everywhere. - What is out there? “
“It’s a suspension between two worlds, - he started to explain, - a space and a time, before the decision is made by the passenger… There is another world that you cannot see at this point. It’s the world God created, in which He is the King. And He is jealous for His creation, but it is a different kind of jealousy. It’s pure, holy, liberating… polar different. It’s the passion of life that originates within the heart of the Creator Himself and happy are those who happen to catch that train! …I hope it helped you, - he said and got up to leave.
“Where is my answer? I demanded, blocking his way, - you said you’ve got all of them!”
“Right there, in your pockets,” - he responded seriously.
I was shocked by his response and kept starring at him. He stretched out his hand and said: “The gun and bullets. Give them to me.”
I opened my mouth to protest and justify myself, but surprisingly realized that a real gun was indeed in my pocket! “I never put it there! Someone else did! It all started at the movie theater!” - my mind started to shoot in every direction.
“This is the reality you’ve created for yourself, - he answered, - remember I told you that the thoughts, nesting within you, create a reality? Here it is. Are you ready to give it up?”
I slowly opened my hand. He reached towards me, took a pistol and counted the bullets. I was so terribly exposed again, but this time without fear. I simply stood in front of him, stripped of my pride, begging for mercy.
Unexpectedly, he grabbed his jacket from the hook and put it on me with the words: “You better be covered. It’s chilly out there.” At that moment the doors opened and fresh mighty wind carried me away from that terrible train, further and further away.” It felt like waking up from a dream. As I opened my eyes, I saw a big rainbow right above my head and heard the voice within my own heart: “I’ve set apart this child for Myself and I’m jealous for My purpose in his life”.