With the wind blowing in my face, I was riding my horse…faster and faster. The still life was left far behind… I was on the move, courageously moving forward into my future! And then the carousel would stop.
I looked at my grandmother sitting on the bench and pleaded: "Can I please have another round?" Instead of simply nodding her head, she responded: "You've been turning non-stop for a long time already; come sit with me for a minute; you also need a break". I knew she had some candy for me and went to sit down on a bench next to her, trying to stop on the inside. She looked at me and wondered: "How can you do that? Isn't your head turning?" I lifted my head as a hero and proclaimed: " Grandma! I can go forever!"
She took a deep breath and responded: "Everything comes to an end one day… You never met your grandfather; he completed his circle of life before you were born… Oh! He was so handsome when I first met him. He was riding his horse like a hero, going round and round, making those magnificent turns…These memories are so sweet to me…"
"Sweet like this candy?" I interrupted her. She would smile and reach out to her basket for more. I would pick it up: "Grandma, what do you mean 'to complete the circle of life'? Is life a carousel? Do we all move around something? What is it?"
"It would be hard to quench a curiosity like this one, she concluded and got up from the bench, “I feel so tired now, but one day I will surely give it a try.”
But this day never came. My grandmother left this world without ever answering my questions. So, I was left to figure out this life on my own. No, I wasn't an orphan, but both my parents and my older brother were turning on their carousel of events - totally caught up in the movement. How do I know? I've been watching them. They say the same things over and over; they react in the same way day after day…It looks like they are playing the same role in a familiar show again and again, and the script never changes - only a few variations here and there.
Here was my familiar family circle: Dad worked as Head of a labor union and was completely locked in his world of politics and economics. Every morning at the breakfast table he read a news review from the ministry of information and announced to all of us the direction things were going to turn today. Mom worked as a hairdresser in a beauty salon and knew lots of people. Every day she would listen to her clients' complicated stories, problems and complaints. "I wish I could take my scissors and simply cut those entangled knots off their lives, but it's impossible! - she would exclaim in desperation. - I don't have answers for them; I can only fix their hair!" Though imperfect, her world was very orderly and organized; with the years, she really mastered the skill of classifying people and situations into categories: from their hairstyles to their lifestyles. Usually in the middle of breakfast, my older brother would show up in the kitchen, stinking terribly and looking like a dirty sponge. Dad would scan him with disgust and start the usual quarrel: "You came drunk again last night! Why? I've told you that I'm not going to tolerate this behavior anymore!"
"Yesterday he had a reason,” my mom would try to mediate between them;” it was a party for the end of the school year." But my dad would not listen to her: "I don't want my son to live like a pervert and a drunkard! Look! He absorbs everything without even filtering!"
"Dad, I'm not a child anymore!” - my brother would raise his voice, - I will decide for myself. I don't want your restrictions!"
"I'm in charge of this house, - dad would switch to shouting, - and you have to accept my rules!" But my brother would persist: "I don't want to be locked in your prison, dad! You still don't understand. We have different filters for life; we see it differently! Don't drag me into your world; I have one of my own."
My mom, as usual, would try to fix the situation: "Enough of disputes please! We all have a long day before us. Somewhere there should be a reason to be happy. Even the smallest one would be enough to take us through this day!"
At that moment each would hold fast to their horse and off they went into their day, around and around…
But one thing was surely different: they were not as happy as I was as a little boy on that wooden horse…Maybe someone did put them on that carousel against their will? Maybe they would gladly stop that endless turning and do something else in life… but is there anything else to do? What is it then? Maybe they were afraid to fall off their horse or whatever else they rode on - afraid not to make it to the next round? And the movement went on and on… Surely, we were not the only ones; the entire world around us was turning. People recognized each other by their position on the carousel. There was almost no time even to look at someone else - much less to stop and answer questions about life…
"Not that we like it, but at least we know what will happen tomorrow", my mom would answer. "Life is a complicated subject; it is wrapped up in so many layers", my dad would add. "Life is a party for one and a prison for another", my older brother would conclude. But those answers didn't make it any clearer.
Everyone called me "curious", but for me it meant so much more… Since the death of my grandmother, I understood that my mission in life was to take off that many-layered camouflage, like you would take a mask from someone's face, and uncover the hidden truth. The whole world around me, though, seemed to accept this endless turning as the most normal mode of existence -merry going round and round…
One morning my mom announced: "They just opened a unique new restaurant on the roof of the city center. Its floor is the platform that's turning around. Imagine! We sit to have a meal and our view constantly changes, we got to see all around! I invite all of you tonight; let's have a party!"
"I'll come", shouted my older brother on the way to the kitchen.
Dad reached for the news report, as usual, and started to read: "One minister was caught in speculation with government money and making a trade with lots of falsified documents… It led to a split in the government; each part is accusing the other one of distorting reality."
"Are things going to be different now, dad?" I asked him.
"No, our life will continue as usual. It's only a shifting", he assured everyone, including himself. "Rather a change of a hairstyle” - corrected my mom. "Whatever direction you turn the dreidel, it will always come to the same spot,”- concluded my older brother.
"No, there is a different way to live!”- I announced to everyone’s surprise. All of them looked at me. Now I owed them an explanation.
"Who told you this, son?" inquired my dad.
"A librarian…Our teacher was sick yesterday and we went to the library with our class. The librarian asked me what my interests were and I told him that I want to find out if there is anything else in life besides endless turning on a carousel… He took me aside and brought me a book, saying: 'you might find your answers here.' - Here it is." I reached in my schoolbag and put the book on the table. As I opened it, dazzling light shone from its pages and illuminated the entire kitchen.
"This kind of light is damaging for your eyes,” commented my mom with concern.
“Let me see,” said my dad. I closed the book and handed it to him. We all waited for his final judgment. "Let me see closer…”- He turned it around and exclaimed: “I thought so! It doesn't have an authorization stamp from the ministry of information! Some years ago, it was already classified as a dangerous book. You should take it back today."
"But dad… I need to know…" I tried to refute.
"We all know your exceptional curiosity, but now your job is to listen,”- he answered firmly, putting my book in his briefcase. - “I’ll meet you after school and we'll go there together. It's not negotiable. Now I have to go to work, Bye everyone."
"Don't forget the party,”- shouted my mom, in an attempt to restore a happy feeling for the day.
Here I am, waiting for my dad in the schoolyard. Maybe he will be late? Maybe something will change? I looked at the sky for an answer and noticed the first signs of a coming storm. “What about the party?” - I asked myself, and saw my dad running towards me. "We have to hurry, the library will close in a couple of minutes,” he said and quickly grabbed my hand. I wanted very much to turn around and go home; but he practically dragged me to the library door. The old librarian was switching the lights off and was ready to leave. "Pardon me!” -started my dad, blocking the door. “We have an issue, which needs to be solved urgently; it can't wait until tomorrow."
The old man took a step back to look at us and recognized me. "You were looking for answers, did you find them?” - he asked me.
"I only opened it,” - I responded and blushed.
"This is exactly the issue,” - interrupted my dad. - You told my son to read a book which was already removed from print years ago! This is intolerable behavior for a government employee, which you are!"
"I understand that you mean well to protect your son…” - started the old man patiently and sat down, - you’re right; no printing company will agree to supply this particular book nowadays. But through the years, I kept one copy for my personal use. I, also, had many questions about life, very similar to those your son has…and I found the answers. Do you want to hear them?”
"This book does not have an authorization stamp! Do you understand how dangerous it is to even open it? And you're telling my son to find answers about life inside it?!” - My dad was standing in front of him, angry and tall. Suddenly the old librarian also stood up and looked fearlessly into my dad's eyes: "I tell you that this particular book has much greater authority than all of the authorization ministries together! You can continue to wear your mask, refusing to see the truth, but one day it might be too late for you. Doesn't your life look like a prison to you? Haven't you got enough?"
"You will answer for those words!!” - Shouted my dad, enraged, - I will make sure you end up in prison, totally dissociated from society for the rest of your life!" He grabbed my hand again.” Let’s go son! “And he proudly went through the door of the library. I turned to look at the old man and saw hope in his eyes, as if he were saying to me: "Don't worry, you'll be OK".
Finally, we arrived at the restaurant. My mom had put on her new dress and curled her hair; even my older brother looked well ordered. The place was packed with people. All the elite of society came to honor this big opening. Mom was the first one to spot a little table and ran towards it, only to find out that it was reserved for some important people. Eventually we found a free table and settle down. People around us were greeting each other and admiring this new place. When the noise stopped, the owner of the restaurant appeared in the center of the platform with a microphone in his hand. "Welcome to all our honored guests,” - `his first words were followed by a round of applause. “Before we start serving our first meal, I want to dedicate this unique restaurant to our new governor." It became so quiet; people looked around with a question mark on their faces…The owner picked up after a pause: "I suppose you already read in the news review this morning about a split in the government. The conflict between two opposing parties escalated and this afternoon the right party obtained full authority." People looked at each other…and started to applaud again. And then everything started to turn. Besides normal joy, people wanted to show each other how happy they were about a change in the government… My dad looked down, closed within himself.
"What's the matter, honey?” - my mom, a bit worried.
He looked around, making sure that no one else was listening and said: "Do you remember the report I wrote about that governor a few years ago?"
“Well… - my mom tried to come up with a solution, - if they ask you, you can always say that you were young and it was a mistaken presumption… and that your whole value system was distorted…but now you have changed…"
Dad looked at mom intensely, then answered: "You're right, I’ve changed… but not in a good direction."
My older brother sat on the other side of my dad with a glass of whisky: "Come on, dad, it's your turn to drink. You'll forget your troubles and rejoice like everyone else."
"Thank you, son,". He took the glass from the table and in that moment all the music stopped and the owner of the restaurant came a second time to the center of the platform. Silence marked the moment. He checked the microphone and announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen! I apologize for a little pause in our joyful celebration, but I need to announce a few resolutions, which have been already signed by our new government,” and he went on to read from a paper:
1. Unauthorized merchandise on the streets is forbidden.
2. You will not be allowed to appear outside your house between ten o'clock at night and five in the morning. An elite army unit is designated to keep order in your environment.
3. Everyone with a skin disease will have to leave the city within next twenty-four hours.
4. You are not authorized to speak any word, contrary to the official opinion, expressed by the ministry of information.
5. Any refusal to assist the authorities will be punishable by at least ten years of imprisonment.
6. And the last one: The labor union is dismissed and not authorized to regather.”
At that moment everyone's head looked in the direction of our table. My older brother put a glass to dad's mouth: "Drink dad, it really helps, I know!"
"I don't want their drinks anymore son, they are poisonous," He answered and got up.
"We have to leave, - said my mom in every direction to the question marks, surrounding us.
Finally, we were outside. It felt like stepping down from the carousel… I remembered my grandmother… A big storm was just about to hit. Suddenly dad turned to all three of us and said: "You should go straight home. I will come later; I have something important to do."
"Please be home before ten!” - pleaded my mom, but dad had already disappeared into the dark stormy night.
We went home. None of us knew if dad would ever make it back. My brother and I went to sit on the couch next to mom. “Well… - started my older brother, -dad is not that hard, as I always thought… I never saw him this real… until tonight.” Mom hugged both of us really close and burst into tears… I was the first one to fall asleep…
and the first one to wake up. I saw my dad's happy face right in front of mine. In the beginning I thought I was dreaming, but then, both my mom and my brother woke up and stared at him, perplexed. "Come to the table,” he called, - I prepared breakfast for all of you. It's a new day. I need to tell you everything.
We all sat down at the table and he started: "First I walked in the dark without any sense of direction… Then the storm hit really hard. The rain was so dense, that I needed to hide somewhere quickly. Looking for a covering, I stopped next to a big tree; there I saw an old man, coming towards me. I thought he was a peddler. I wanted to warn him about the new laws and the patrol, but then I saw that he was… - he looked at me… - the librarian. He recognized me right away; he wasn't even surprised to meet me on the street at that hour in a storm. As soon he reached me, he grabbed my hand and practically dragged me to a little booth, standing next to the old garage, and pushed me inside.
’I didn't know you had this much strength,’ I said to him.
'It was supernatural,’ - he responded and pointed to the direction we had come from. I looked and saw a violent wave of the storm tumbled the tree down, sweeping the very ground away from the place I was standing a minute ago! I turned to the old man in awe, waiting for an explanation.
'I knew we were going to meet again and as the storm hit, I went to look for you.' - he said.
’But why?' - I exclaimed in wonder.
'God Almighty had a plan and He wanted to use me to save your life.’ - He offered to me a comfortable chair and continued, - ‘This booth is called 'The secret place of the Most High', you're safe here. The storm cannot touch it.'
I remembered our first meeting and was so ashamed of myself. 'Please forgive me,’ - I asked him, - ’my perception of life was so distorted…'
'It is surely easier to see once your mask is off. - He replied with smile. - Would you like to read from my book now?' I hesitated for a minute. 'Don't worry,’ he said, like he was reading my thoughts, ‘its light is not damaging to the eyes, it’s only damaging to the mask. It burns it off. People fear to be exposed and try to get rid of the book. It's that simple.'
He sat down next to me, opened the book and started to read… all through the night. At five in the morning, he said he needed to leave. He made a little drawing for me of the safe road home and here I am."
"What? That's it?!? - I was beside myself, - Is that all there is to the story?! Where are the promised answers?"
"I needed to stop there, son, because it's both the end and the beginning. We read that there is one big highway, which God Almighty Himself built for His redeemed ones; and that we are his chosen people, chosen to walk on that highway and declare His eternal glory!"
"Wow! Let's go find that highway!” - I exclaimed and got up.
"We are going… But I don't want to simply make a tour and come back… We are moving, - he got up and declared - We are moving forward. We're leaving this place and never turning back. Let's hurry, before the carousel starts."
"We cannot simply leave, - suddenly concluded my mom, - what about all those… important people? The situation we are in now, is so entangled, it will take a long time to work on all those knots…"
Dad came to hug her and said: "This time, like you always wished, we will take scissors and cut all those knots off!"
"But how?” - mom cried out in desperation.
"We simply forgive them and move on.” - he assured her.
Suddenly her face changed and she uttered: "I trust you; I'm going."
"Count me in dad,” said my brother and added, “You are in charge."
Probably for the first-time dad looked at him so loving and serious at the same time: "Thank you for saying this son, but now I understand that charge was entrusted to me by God Himself. Now I choose His word as my final authority in every area."
Dad looked at me. "I'm ready!" - I exclaimed before he could ask me. I ran to open the door for everyone and thought of another question: "Dad, how we will find that highway?"
"We will come to the road junction, and the direction of the highway will be indicated," he explained.
"But what if we don’t make the right turn?” - I persisted.
Dad stopped and looked at me, as if I were the most important person to him; then said: "Son, we don't need to try to figure out and calculate the future; when we get there, we will know what to do. But now, we need to be patient and simply do what is right in front of us, agreed?"
"Yes, captain." I saluted him as a soldier and stepped out the door.